Category Archives: Writing

I’m up to 12 stories for the month, several of which are screaming at me to revise and submit. Part of me wants to listen. The other part of me says keep writing. 🙂

Time for some Tug of War.

It’s been another crazy week of writing and I’m loving it. I wrote a story every day except for Friday. I started a story on Friday, but it’s a format that doesn’t come naturally to me, so I’m trying to work through it. At the same time, my kids were majorly burnt out from the week and needed some Mommy Super Powers, so I put the writing aside for the day.

My count as of yesterday is nine. One more story and I’ll top my record for completed story output during any Story A Day May since I started this.

Thanks for keeping up!

Good Morning,

May Story A Day is going well. I’ve managed a story each day, the first two hitting 1k and the third one not quite, but should make an effective flash after revision and maybe another hundred words.

Last night’s story had me worried as it was my husband’s birthday and we were busy all day. I usually like to pull my prompts early in the day and mull them over to let them grow in my head before I hit the keyboard. Luckily, this was the weekend and I utilized Liberty Hall’s 90 minute deadline to write this story.

Variety is the key here and not just with story length. I’ve written urban fantasy, traditional fantasy, and science fiction. There have been Ninja Kitties, dragons, and aliens.

I hope your week has been as enjoyable for you. 🙂

Psst, hey you, you like stories? Writing ’em?

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know May is my favorite writing month of the year. I’ve been part of the FM Writers community for eleven years, which means I’ve been participating in this challenge for as long. The idea is to pull prompts to trigger a story. Ideally, one a day. Most of the people I write with don’t make 31, but some do, and I’m in awe of them. I usually manage 7 – 10 stories each May. I’ve always wanted to hit the full 31. A few things have changed this year, which makes me believe that I can.

I’ve been working on flash fiction. A lot of my flash drafts turn into longer stories – which is fine with me since they’re fun stories. But I’m tightening them up. I’ve also learned to write under the gun thanks to Liberty Hall challenges – a weekly challenge that gives participants a prompt to write a story from in 90 minutes.

I have a plan, and I hope it makes it to the battlefield. If it doesn’t, because we know some stories just plain don’t work, then I’m okay so long as I really gave it a shot. But that shiny number 31 is dancing in front of me right now. This might be the year. 🙂

If you’re interested in trying the challenge, check out http://www.fmwriters.com. There are other variations online which you’ll find by Googling Story A Day, but this one on FM is my favorite.

Happy Writing, Happy May, and crazy writing away!!

Nothing’s more exciting than sales news. 🙂

I sold a science fiction story to Daily Science Fiction. http://www.dailysciencefiction.com. They post stories on their website, plus email it to subscribers one week in advance. It’s a really neat market that publishes something for everyone.

I’ll post dates when I have them.

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Sometimes we hear something in one context, that has meaning in another. I was in karate class when one of my instructors said, “Stop trying so hard”. He was right. I was the least experienced in the class and was focusing very seriously on not being the slow learner and trying to earn my keep.

I connected this with my writing tonight after reading a comment someone left about me on one of my favorite stories. My best stories, the ones I’ve published, the ones that are getting the personal rejections, are the ones I had the most fun writing. Sitting down and enjoying the characters, enjoying the trouble I’ve thrown at them.

I’m constantly seeking improvement; what to work on next, what to study, etc. While it’s not that I should stop trying to improve, but every now and again, I need to step back and just let it go. This is timely for me, as February was tough on me writing-wise. Life required me to be fully present and not off in Dawnworld creating stories. Little writing done, no editing done. And that’s ok. It had to happen. But I’m pushing to get my schedule back this month, and when I do it, I’m going to start back in with the stories I love.

What about you guys? Do you ever find yourselves trying too hard? Does stepping back work for you?

As I write this, the Waylines Year Two kickstarter has 39 hours to go and we have some distance to make up.

I’ve been with this ezine from Issue 1 as a slush reader. I’ve even plucked one myself out of the slush for publication. Our reading team is fairly large considering the amount of submissions we receive. It’s been a fabulous experience. I loved helping to bring amazing fiction to our readers for virtually no cost. There’s the catch. Virtually.

While Waylines doesn’t have a subscription rate, we do utilize crowd source funding. The editors aren’t pro writers with a bundle of cash flying in. We run this zine because we love fiction and we love that you do, too.

This is a little zine that’s growing. Last year it was streaming movies and new fiction. This year it’s going to be comics and poetry as well, if we fund. Pay rates are due to go up as well, to match SFWA’s requirement.

As a reader, there are a diminishing number of markets that publish good fiction, and fewer of them for free. We just ask for a little love up front. If you have it in your heart, please either consider donating or spreading the word that we’re in the final stages of our kickstarter and have this one final chance to help the speculative fiction community.

http://www.waylinesmagazine.com/

For those of you have spread the word or donated or both, thank you. 🙂

The new year always starts hard and fast and this January was no exception. Writing, work, weather, it’s all extreme these days. But then, I ask myself, if you’re going to do something, why not do it all the way? 110%. 200%. Why not?

So here’s January in a nutshell:

• 4 new short stories written
• 7 revision passes
• 3 new submissions + 20 resubmissions
• 16 rejections
• 1 novel critique (nearly complete)

In addition to this business, the editors at Stupefying Stories have put together an anthology listing authors who are eligible for the Campbell Award. Eligibility is trigged by a first professional publication, and eligibility is for two calendar years. I have a story in this anthology for my Nature publication of How Cherry Coke Saved My Life. There are tons of amazing stories in this anthology. The best part? It’s free. But it won’t be available for long.

I suggest downloading the anthology and reading some pretty awesome fiction. 2014 Campbellian Anthology.

2013 started in a darker place for me than I care to admit, but I threw myself into writing. I started karate with my daughter and lost my afternoon writing session, and signed on as a slush reader at Waylines. My new submissions fell short of expectation, but my focus on improvement made me really think about sending out new stories too quickly. Two stories were accepted and published this year. The novel progressed but isn’t yet finished.

•  Short Story Writing: 23
• Short Story Edits:  28
• Short Story Submissions: 80 (including 6 new submissions)
• Rejections:  74
• Crits: 21
• Book Reading: 17

On a personal note, I’ve learned I can lose the weight when I put my mind to it. Karate has become important to me but it’s still difficult to fit everything I want into my day, but I do my best. Better planning will help the fitness and weight loss without having to give up writing. I’ve known this next bit, but I have my friends (real life + online friends) to thank for supporting me. I hope I’ve made it a two way relationship for you folks. I appreciate you, and I’m going to get better at letting you know that.

2014 is going to be a challenge. Waylines work is continuing, karate has moved into year two, and my son will be starting kindergarten in the fall. Busy as always it seems, but that’s good. My focus this year is on specific areas of writing: description and voice.  I’ll be participating in writing challenges via Codex, FM Writers, Liberty Hall, and Write1Sub1.

• Short Story Writing: 52 (include flash fiction)
• Short Story Edits: 52
• Novella Writing: 2
• Novella Edits: 2
• Novel: Winter Warrior (54k)
• New Submissions: 24
• Crits: 25
• Book Reading:  25

 Looking forward to 2014. Have a wonderful year! I hope you achieve all you want.

I’m pleased to anounce that my story How Cherry Coke Saved My Life has been published in Nature Magazine.  It’s free to read, so go enjoy.

Dawn

http://www.nature.com/nature/focus/arts/futures/

Fading Light has been published in Bards and Sages Quarterly’s October issue.

Amazon Kindle Edition

Amazon Paperback Edition

Smashwords (EPUB, PDF, MOBI, LRF, PDB)

Hello Friends,

I have news. October is rolling in, and with it, two of my latest publications.

On October 1st, Bards and Sages Quarterly will be publishing one of my early favorites, Fading Light. (A link to the specific issue will be available next week – I’ll update you then.) It was heavily influenced by my husband’s grandmother, Joan Marshall, who had been diagnosted with cancer. She welcomed me into this family as much as anyone, and we shared a creative spark together. I have at least three of her paintings in my house. I didn’t know her for long, but she’ll always have a special place in my heart. 

My next story coming out later in the month, will be in Nature’s Futures and will be my first professional sale. It’s a quirky little piece, one I had fun writing and springing on family who don’t expect humor from my writing. The story, How Cherry Coke Saved My Life, was inspired by my own Cherry Coke addiction. I was drinking way too much of it then, a few cans a day easily. I knew I was overindulging. A fleeting thought occurred to me one day, the title, and I wondered what I could do with it. I wrote it down on a post it note and stuck it to the side of my monitor at work. (Hey, that’s where the idea hit me. This was the fertilizer.) I had an image of two characters, but I didn’t know who they were or what was wrong. Only that they didn’t know each other. The story came to me a few months after that. I can’t wait to share it. I’ll update you guys in late October when I’ve got a link to the story. (I’m also working out where the journal is available for purchase).

I am so excited about these stories. Nature and Bards and Sages are respectable publications and the editors have been fantastic to work with. It isn’t just the awesome professionalism and writerly things like galley proofs and artwork. It’s a unique experience of some reading something you wrote and loving it so much they’re willing to show it to the world.

Thanks for listening all these years. My hard work is starting to pay off. For those of you who have critiqued these stories, I especially thank you. I hope you all enjoy the stories. And by the way, the cola addiction is down to 1 – 2 a week.

Dawn

Ten more days are left to September, and with it comes the adrenaline rush of trying to complete the many short story goals I made a few weeks ago. Following that is the excitement of returning to an older project, my novel. 

It’s time to get Winter Warrior finished. I have broken world-building and some character development to work on, but then there are about 60,000 words that need to be written.  The only problem for me is that this needs to be my total focus. No other writing projects during this time beyond a quick flash fiction on the weekend and some critiquing.

I’ll be posting weekly updates to keep myself honest and on track, and there might be snippets if anything appeals to me.

But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try, and try, and try

– Pink, “Try”

Life is challenging sometimes. I had a fabulous fitness schedule in August due to a) my committing to multiple workouts per day to jump start the weight loss and b) sacrificing some writing time. My writing output decreased significantly, but the weight loss was phenomenal. Then school started up for the kids and I barely got in any workouts beyond karate class for about two weeks. Guess what? Some of the weight creeped back on. It happened so fast. I swear those two weeks passed in just a few blinks.

I got in touch with my trainer and asked for a new routine to work on, and wrote out an index card assigning both writing and fitness times. Both have to work together. It’s the eternal battle, I know. It hurts to give up one thing you love for something that you need to do. Fitness can be fun, especially if you have people supporting you. My routine involves lunch time workouts (yoga twice a week), weights + cardio four times  a week after work (when the kids are safely at school and after school care), then karate class 3 times a week (one of which is a double class of two segments of forty five minutes each).  Then there’s the Sunday running, too. It works because my kids know I’m getting healthier (I don’t use the F-A-T word around them and never will, though we did talk about how eating too much sugar and not excersizing will make your tummy squishy and that’s not healthy).

The karate has been a huge help for me this year. Nine months ago, i couldn’t do a single pushup or full situps. Today, I can do 15 pushups (full extension, not on my knees) and 20 – 35 situps based on how long ago I last ate. I’m working on planks now and pullups. The planks are 30 – 40 seconds but I’m trying to push that to a full minute. The pullups are assisted, but I want to get to the point I can do them on my own. That’s goal one.

Part of my inspiration for the sudden change in fitness goes right back to my karate instructor, Master Adam Kifer. He gave me the idea of multiple workouts (and reminded me how important dropping the soda and bad snacks really is).  If I stay on track, I could be testing for a black in about two years, and while I am getting stronger and my endurance is increasing, I need to step it up. I don’t want to just pass this test, I want to blow my instructors away. 

This is my focus and what gets me up early to do my writing in the morning so my afternoons are free for fitness.

If you need to get moving, get healthy, lose weight, or try something new, then start by staring it in the face and acknowledging that it isn’t going to be easy. Then search out your motivation. Choose a reason crucial in your life. Do it for yourself first, but find someone or something that makes achieving this goal important.

Usually Yoda’s advice (Do Not Try; Do or Do Not) sounds motivating. You choose to succeeed or you choose to fail, right? Because if you’re just trying, you’re not going to suceed. Guess what, sometimes you have to fail first. Sometimes you have to fight that burn to figure out exactly what you need and want.

Go ahead and try, just make sure your version of trying is giving it all your might. The moment you don’t is when failure steps in. But trying is the journey and the journey is what makes us human and real.

You can do this. I can do this. We just have to try and try and try and try.

I’d love to hear about your goals and motivations. What’s been working for you? Where have you been struggling? 

 After Viable Paradise, I made it a point to temporarily trunk a lot of my submission stories. I wanted time to process what I learned and then review the work I had out there to make sure it still represented me or required some adjustments. Most of them it turned out, needed more work.

Best summer ever. My writing has improved, I made a sale, and my health is improving due to some time sacrifices I’ve made in my writing time. It’s necessary now while the weather is still warm and I can exercise outside, but will balance out in January.  More details on the sale will come when I have a publication date. I’m currently awaiting proofs on my story that’s supposed to come out in October in Bards and Sages Quarterly.

 July Writing Check

• 1 Story Written
• 1 Story Revised
• 3 Critiques
• 6 Rejections
• 6 Submissions

August Writing Check

• 2 New Flash Written
• 1 Short Story Revised
• 3 Critiques
• 5 Rejections + 1 Acceptance
• 5 Submissions

My summer writing was slow, so much time with the kids, things to do to get ready for school, deal with the car total and replacement, vacation and birthdays, and a new fitness schedule/routine. It’s good – we’re empty shells if we write and ignore the outside world. But it’s back to business in September.

September Goals

 I’m not ready to dive back into the novel yet. I’m having too much fun with short stories, so I’m sticking with that for September.

• 4 to 5  Short Story Drafts (Flash, most likely)
• 5 Short Story Revisions (versions 3’s and 4’s, most should be ready to submit when I complete this next pass)
• Slush (Waylines has opened to submissions again, so send us your best. I can’t wait to read them.)
• 3 to 4 critiques

Best of luck to you in September. I hope you find your groove.

Best May ever!

So first, I found out via queries that two of my submissions made it into the second round at their markets. I know that doesn’t mean a contract is coming, but it’s a sign of progress. The road to publishing is a long one, so these kinds of things help with the mental battle.

Short stories, ah, my lovelies. I wrote 7 new short stories (some were flash). Probably the best first drafts I’ve done in a while. I have two more that are half done (longer stories, multiple depths of meanings). I also started Holly Lisle’s Flash Fiction Class and have several flash pieces in progress based on the assignment.

May was playtime, but June is back to scheduled writing. The novel needs finishing. A short story needs revision for entry into Writers of the Future. Then there’s critiquing and slushing. And I’m sure one or two of those new stories will get a revision.

And time to get a quick look at my annual stats. June should put me at the halfway mark for most of these, but I’m behind on some.  No worries, I’m thrilled with my progress this year.

2013 Writing

X/Y = x is what I’ve done, y is my goal for the year.

• Winter Warrior: 5k/54k
• Short Story Writing: 14/24
• Short Story Edits:  13/36
• Short Story Submissions: 28
• New Submissions: 5/12
• Crits: 12/48
• Book Reading: 7/30
• Rejections:  23
• Publications: 1 (scheduled for October)
• Acceptance: 1

FMWriters is traveling the web via the Merry Go Round Blog Tour. Site members have grouped together to write monthly on themed topics and turn the blog tour concept on its head: we’re not the ones touring: you are, as you read one writer’s perspective after another. This is my contribution to the Merry Go Round Tour. Enjoy your ride. ~ Dawn

Writing projects are like chocolate cookies fresh from the oven: you can’t have just one, and you certainly don’t just bake one. I’ve got a novel going, the one I’ve been working with on and off since last spring. It’s going well, especially after workshop feedback. The secondary projects are a handful of short stories in various phases of existence. One idea is for a contest in my writer’s group (in research phase), another idea is based on a dream I’ve had (worldbuilding phase – though I’m thinking this one is going to be a novella based on research), and yet another idea based off of something that two people in a chat room said to me combined with something my father-in-law threw at me on vacation. But this month is special when it comes to short stories. For members of http://www.fmwriters.com, it’s May Story A Day (SAD).

May SAD has been an annual event in my life since I joined FM writers. We pull writing prompts from our choice of source (I prefer the Seventh Sanctum elements) and try to draft a story. I’ve managed anywhere from 1 – 10 stories each May. Last year I generated a bunch of outlines, but didn’t yet write the stories due to a family situation. This year, I’m going for ten and hoping for more.

My system gives me three days to write a story, though the best stories come together in the first day to completion. The idea is on day one to pull the prompt, figure out plot, character and world. Once the outline comes together, I can bang out the first draft in two to three writing sessions. This takes two to three days because of the job and family, etc.

So far, I’ve got one story done, and I’m working on the outline to my second story.

This challenge always gives me a jump in progress, whether I’m counting the number of stories in my arsenal, or progressing my skills further.

Hope your May is great!

Dawn

Today’s post was inspired by Forward Motion’s Merry-Go-Round topic, “Projects Progress”. If you want to get to know nearly twenty other writers and read about their ideas, then check out the Merry-Go-Round Blog Tour. Next up is Raven on the 7th.

FMWriters is traveling the web via the Merry Go Round Blog Tour. Site members have grouped together to write monthly on themed topics and turn the blog tour concept on its head: we’re not the ones touring: you are, as you read one writer’s perspective after another. This is my contribution to the Merry Go Round Tour. Enjoy your ride. ~ Dawn

The most common writing advice is: write every day. The idea is fabulous, but I’d like to put a twist on it that will give it more value. Write every day that you can. The difference is that “every day” routines fail when life with multiple levels of responsibility take precedence to the writing. It isn’t that we want it to be that way. That responsibility might be our families, our jobs, our fitness routines, residence management, financial management, reading, sleeping, and eating. We can’t do it all. What we can do, is break things up and fit in the writing and all those other things, in increments.

For me, it’s a weekly assessment. What project is going on at work – will there be overtime or early mornings? Which kid is sick and going to need a visit to the doctor? What volunteer task did I nominate myself for at school? What bills need to be paid? What portion of my workout needs to be done – weights vs cardio? On the crazy weeks, it turns into a daily assessment. And if something goes wrong, it gets reassessed.

This works only when I promise myself to fit bits of it all in there. It’s helped me learn to write fast because I might only get a half hour one day, or an hour over the course of two days. It means I need to be flexible about where I am. Maybe the writing gets done in a notebook while my son is in his speech session. Or maybe I read that story for critique while my daughter is doing her homework. Or the slush gets read while the water for the pasta is boiling. Or I challenge myself and wait until everyone’s in bed and push out as many words as a I can.

It’s not as stressful as it sounds. It’s just a matter of give and take. Some weeks, the ‘rest of my life’ takes more. Other weeks, the writing takes more. My husband watched the kids most of one weekend while I wrote a 20k novella over the span of 3 days.

What’s the key to a successful routine? For me, it’s a combination of wanting it and having movable pieces in your day. I organize the other pieces of my life in order to fit this crucial writing piece. The reason why this works? Because I cannot allow myself to become stuck in one routine. I need the variance. If I had the same routine every day, I’d constantly leave out things I need or want to do.  I enjoy being busy and trying to fit too much in. (Yes, I actually said that).

Do you have a routine or are you still trying to work yours out? What challenges are you facing? Do you need flex in your schedule or do you work better with a rigid plan?

Happy Writing

Dawn

Today’s post was inspired by Forward Motion’s Merry-Go-Round topic,  “Writing Routines”.  If you want to get to know nearly twenty other writers and read about their ideas, then check out the Merry-Go-Round Blog Tour. Next up is Raven on the 7^th.

Psst, hey you… you’re a writer, aren’t you? Thought so. I bet you’ve been thinking about applying to Viable Paradise, haven’t you? I can help you, at least with the “thinking” part. If you are thinking about it, do it. I know you’ve got doubts and questions, but who are you to self reject yourself? If you love writing and you’re willing to sacrifice a little sleep to get better, then do it!

Take a look at your most recent works. Anything look good? Something you can pass to your closest writer buds and ask them to tear apart? Choose something you love.

Seriously. I applied with short stories that I liked, that did fairly well in the rejection rounds, but didn’t get in. When I applied with chapters of a novel I spent all spring planning and writing and absolutely LOVED, I was accepted.

You want these awe inspiring instructors to teach you writing? Then show them your stuff. Let them choose you, because hell, you deserve it! Even if you have to write something new, go for it. Applications are open until June 15^th.

You might be wondering if you really want to go. Is it worth the money and travel and going to Martha’s Vineyard in the off season? It was for me. I met twenty-three other writers who are awesome and easy to talk to. They’ve become my friends, my critique partners, my cheerleaders. And when the going gets tough, they know what to say and I know it’s real and that they mean it. Since VP, I’ve expanded my writing horizons. I’ve tried new writing forms, I’ve joined a neo-pro writer’s group, and I started reading slush for a new ezine that has aspirations of being a SFWA market. Guys, it hasn’t even been six months since the workshop and I am so freaking glad I went.

You know how they say Viable Paradise is the workshop you’ve been searching for? It really is. The application is here.  Go get started on it.

You work all day, manage the kids, juggle homework and dinner, then wrangle everyone into bed and heave a sigh of relief. A moment of panic hits. You’ve forgotten something. Oh, right. The work out. Again.

When you’ve got a full schedule, working out is really the last thing you have energy for, but it’s what you need to lose a few pounds (thanks, sedentary day job), it’s what you need to regain your energy. But when it comes down to it, you hit the snooze instead of rolling out of bed early, or you choose to work through lunch to offset the growing workload. If you do this, you’re human. There’s a truth you and I know, and it’s this: it has to change.

The problem is what we call it. ‘Working out’. Yes, we know it’s work. Do we really need to be reminded that it’s work? Yes, it’s hard. It takes some effort. My theory is that a fitness routine requires a level of enjoyment beyond the exertion. For some people, running provides a focus,  For others, it’s group exercise classes. I used to take cardio kickboxing, but the scheduled class was never at the right time – conflicts with the family resposibilitiies.

Then my daughter comes along, and this little challenge I gave her (5 Brave Things), which she totally rocked, resulted in her reward: I joined her karate class. I was worried about feeling silly at first. About a quarter of the class is adults, less than that some days. Fortunately, my height allows me to blend in with the older kids. 😉 I wanted to be an example of good behavior for my daughter, so I focused on the class, the teachings, the actual karate. It took me two classes to realize that I didn’t even watch my daughter during these classes: I was too focused on the moves, getting it right. Actually streaming IYAH with the rest of the class when we punched, jabbed and kicked.

I think I like karate better than my kids like it.

So, part of the theory is you have to find something you love to maintain a routine. I found it by accident, and I have my daughter to thank for that. The other part of the theory is having this activity you love, means you want to be good at it. Excel. And that means figuring out your weakness and improve on this. By going to the gym.

That’s right.

Last week, we were working on upper cuts, which requires repeated squat-like motions with every punch. I tired quickly. Also, when you’re told to do ‘Black Belt Pushups’, you know no one is looking at you doing them slower than everyone in the class, and less than half the amount. I’m sure they cut the adults some slack, we weigh a lot more than these kids. Still, I didn’t want an excuse or to stand out because I’m the slow one or the tired one. I hit the gym.

It’s an entirely different experience doing extra pushups and weights, squats and lunges when the reason for it goes beyond “I need to lose weight”. I have a purpose for being there, and I damn well better make some progress because if I’m going to karate with my kid, I’m not half-assing it.

Theory: love what you do for fitness, and use your gym time to improve your skills needed for that activity.

I’ll check back in a few months, but the preliminary report is this. After just a few weeks, my clothes are fitting better, my food consumption has become healthier and better proportioned, my water take has increased. Best yet, I feel fantastic.

It’s been years since I’ve felt this good. I can’t believe I’ve forgotten what this feels like.

If you’re struggling to find something fun, talk to your friends, relatives, kids. There’s something out there for everyone. And you deserve to feel good. Whatever it is, I hope you have it or find it. Life is too short to spend miserable.

I’m glad I found my favorite workout. My daughter is too. This one got me a double win.

The past month has been life changing. It started on a good note, with my attending the workshop of my dreams, making new friends, and learning the ins-and-outs of my own writing. I’ve posted about VP. I don’t need to repeat how incredible an experience it was. However, it had one more benefit.

It didn’t stop my dad from dying; it didn’t stop the hurricane that hit while I was at my mom’s house in Brooklyn, N.Y. But it put things in perspective and helped me process these experiences.

As hard as writing can be at times, it’s easy when compared with taking your loved one through a battle with cancer. Though my relationship with my father has been a long distance one for the past fifteen years, he’ll forever be my father. Distance and a physical body don’t matter. What does matter is that he supported me and was encouraging even when this vile thing consumed him from the inside. He never let on if he had any moments of anger or doubt. I know my mom dealt with some of that. It wasn’t easy for her, and I don’t envy the side of things she had to experience. I can well imagine what she went through and it breaks my heart, especially knowing that what I’m picturing is probably only half accurate.

I’m the emotional one in my family, usually the first one to break into tears. That’s not how I wanted to say good-bye to my dad. So I made plans. At the visitation and wake, I was my father’s daughter: I greeted all the friends and family that came to pay their respects. By making it about my father rather than about me, I learned how much he was loved by people outside the family. It’s one thing to know your dad is a good guy. It’s entirely another thing to hear so many people say it, to hear it in their accounts antics at work. (I’m not the only one who knew what a stubborn and funny man my dad was…)

I wrote and presented his eulogy. It was easier to write than I expected, but much more difficult to deliver. My sister Christina accompanied me to the podium in church. Without the warmth of her hand on my back, I’d have broken down in tears on the first page. What kept me from doing this was knowing that Dad was proud of both of us standing there together.

The cemetery was the hardest part. At that point, I was done being there for everyone else. My sisters and I hung back, allowing family and friends to place their flowers on dad’s coffin. When they stepped away, we had the chance to say the final goodbye.

Even my sisters pulled away finally, but this is where I got stuck. I suddenly felt like I was abandoning the last bit of him. It awoke the pain I felt when I received the phone call that he’d died. I can’t even describe the pain. It’s not physical. It’s like something reached in and tried to strangle my soul. I know the body in that coffin isn’t him anymore, but it’s one thing to know it and another thing to actualize it. Some of you might even understand what that means.

I’m okay most of the time, but this has changed me in a few ways. The very thing I loved about my father was his sense of humor and his joy of children. My best memories of us were from my childhood. I want my children to remember me the same way. Sometimes, when my kids are down, I think of him and wonder what he’d do cheer them up.

The other thing that changed for me was what I call “the moment”. I work hard at my day job and my writing. I work hard to keep the house in order and the laundry cycled fast enough. I work my tail off trying to keep the kids up to date on their homework and medical needs. Sometimes I fail. But in all that day-to-day stuff, there are moments that count more than others (like the ones I referred to earlier) and there are moments that are wasted that should have been spent on something else.

I feel older after all this. It’s not that I don’t have a dad anymore. I do, he’s just not on the same plane of existence as I am right now. It’s that I really do think I lost a piece of myself. I think we all do when we lose someone we love that much.

As things went downhill with my dad, one of my biggest personal fears was being unable to write when things went ultimately wrong. The day before my dad died, I started a story for him about a woman diagnosed with rapidly terminal cancer. I was never going to show him, that would have been too much. The day he died, I flew home to Brooklyn. On that flight, I finished the story by hand. I spent the next week transcribing it little by little. It was torture, but I made it through. I think it’s the best story I’ve written to date. It incorporates something of my dad and something of myself. I’ve been revising and worldbuilding other projects since then. It wasn’t until tonight that I really drafted new words on a story. It was hard to write because the words kept coming out in the voice from the story I wrote for my dad. It means I’m not done with it. I’ll be finishing that revision before moving on to this new project, but don’t think for a minute that I don’t consider this not writing.

I just need to finish this level of emotion before I go into the next phase. I have enough moments of anger to know that this next story will play out when the time is right.

I don’t like this new club I belong to, but that’s life and death. We’re in it. Might was well live it to the fullest. Fight til we can’t breathe. Love til there’s no heart left to love with. Whatever you do, do it your way. Do it proudly.